I've never really fit the Mormon mold (it’s very conservative and I’m very not conservative), so I mostly just didn’t date at all in my early and mid-20s. "A big part of it was being raised Mormon and assuming I’d stick it out and eventually marry a Mormon guy. I didn't find the right boyfriend, I always had trouble relating to boys I liked, and I had a weird panic reaction that set in whenever a boy I liked showed interest." -Sarah, 46, Chicago, IL I wanted to start having sex when I was a teenager, but it just never worked out somehow. I went to a very liberal college with a large queer population, but during that time I (very slowly) came to the realization that I am in fact a trans woman, so I was more focused on that than trying to lose my virginity." -Amy, 27, Albany, NY I was one of the only queer people in my high school, so my pool was almost nonexistent to begin with. Growing up in rural upstate NY really limited the amount of interaction I had with other gay men, especially ones that I was attracted to. "Lack of appropriate partners was a big factor for me. Struggles with health, sexual orientation, and gender dysphoria were also common. Other people felt unattractive or insecure growing up. Some people grew up in religious communities or single-sex schools, which made sex more elusive or taboo.
Of course, even asking people why they “waited” implies some level of universal experience, some nonexistent "right time." The reasons people gave for losing their virginity later were all over the map. I talked to about 40 people who remained virgins until they were at least 22 (five years after the average age at which Americans lose their virginity, according to the CDC) to see what it’s like to be a "late"-in-life virgin-why they waited, the obstacles they faced, and what sex was like when they finally had it. Not only is it a highly stigmatizing label-only reinforced by media tropes that suggest that older virgins are merely punchlines-it’s also rarely discussed openly, honestly, or with any level of compassion. Being a virgin later in life can be, perhaps above all things, an incredibly isolating experience.